The holidays can be hard and your self-awareness is vital

Happy holidays can co-exist with sadness. People say they’re thoughtful, but they often aren’t. True thoughtfulness comes when you are very aware. When you do not assume, you instead ask. You think about other people …and not just in a way of ‘are they okay’ but beyond that.

Well firstly, welcome to the year’s BEST month, December. Saggitarius season is a fucking VIBE, there is so much Christmas magic in the air, everyone is in a happy mood and love is all around us. December is my favourite month literally because of the energy in the air with Christmas time, and of course because it’s my birthday (December 11th if anyone is wondering ;)).

This month is also the hardest. The happiness of Christmas can co-exist with the sadness of not being 100% fulfilled. Whether it’s because you’re not with the person you love, your family is not around you, you aren’t completely happy with your life, you are mourning the passing of a loved one or you are sick. It doesn’t matter what your reason is, you can LOVE December, and also find it hard.

The holiday season is a happy one, and also one where all your suppressed stuff comes to the surface. Your suppression of missing your family can no longer stay under the surface, your love sickness can not be stuffed under the covers anymore and your pain feels raw. Those of us that are the ‘toughest’ will really struggle because we’ve convinced ourselves during the year that we are okay. Until Christmas, where the 11 months of suppressed shit explodes like a shaken bottle of Veuve.

This is your reminder to check on your strong friends. And don’t ask them how they are, instead assume they aren’t 100% and just acknowledge that they might be feeling shit. When you just start the conversation of ‘God this time can be hard, and I’m thinking of you being away from your family” it’ll open them up. If you ask ‘how are you?’ they will respond with their everyday response of ‘I’m good!” and you won’t second guess it. And look, they probably are good, but they are feeling heavy today too.

What can also be hard for people around this time, is that those (especially with a strong face) are always assumed to have plans. And this is an important topic because a lot of people are not with their family for the second year in a row, no thanks to fucking covid. So their friends assume they have plans. And they don’t. And this lack of thoughtfulness is very hurtful. Whilst you don’t have the intention to forget people during the holidays, it happens. You are so caught up in your own plans and happiness, that people can assume everyone is feeling 100% when they aren’t.

“Not all of us want to admit to people that we want someone to invite us to their plans, or that we want to be included more etc. But we want it. Just because we don’t say it doesn’t mean we don’t want it.”

People say they’re thoughtful, but they often aren’t. True thoughtfulness comes when you are very aware. When you do not assume, you instead ask. You think about other people …and not just in a way of ‘are they okay’ but beyond that. For example, if we were to use my case…thoughtfulness would look like a friend remembering that even if I’m ‘okay’ over thanksgiving, I DO NOT have family in the states. True thoughtfulness would be not asking ‘will you be okay over thanksgiving’ but instead saying ‘hey would you like to have Thanksgiving with us? I know you don’t have family here.’ It’s thinking beyond just a surface-level question and you having the answer already (aka, no she won’t be okay over thanksgiving, so I’ll invite her to mine).

I remember Christmas days where we would invite all kinds of friends or acquaintances to our family table. Because even when they said they’re ‘okay’, I assumed that they were not.

How could a person that’s lost a parent, has no family, is alone… be okay over the holidays? They aren’t.

I’m bringing this up for this issue of the magazine also because a lot of us will be so caught up in the happiness of seeing our family after not seeing them last year, that it’s even easier to forget other people that are not seeing their loved ones this year.

Having a lot of self-awareness, means that you will be more aware of others and see through the facades that we walk around with. By being aware of your emotions and the truth of your heart, it allows you to also be aware of others’ hearts and know what they’re feeling beyond what they’re just saying.

People lie to protect themselves. Not all of us want to admit to people that we want someone to invite us to their plans, or that we want to be included more, etc. But we want it. Just because we don’t say it doesn’t mean we don’t want it.

For those of you that are in this boat, and are feeling raw AF about the holidays, I urge you to open up to at least one friend. Be super vulnerable and tell them that you need them to more frequently ask you how you are and see through the BS that you give them about ‘being okay’ because you’re feeling nervous about the holidays. Good friends will be there for you. And if they’re not, you need to stop settling for crappy friends.

I don’t care what people’s plans are for the holidays, you can ALWAYS include someone that needs a family and love. They can buy a plane ticket too, they can get a hotel room too or whatever.

In my opinion, there is literally no excuse for not inviting someone to your plans. Even if you are going away as a couple, they can get their own hotel room and just spend Christmas day with you, and then you can still have your romantic moments before/after Christmas day.

It’s about selflessness. It’s about having compassion and empathy for others which can be hard if you’ve never been in this situation. Prior to 2020, I was never in a situation where I didn’t have at least my parents for Christmas, so I never understood this hardship that people experienced. I could imagine, but I could never understand. But now I do.

For those of you that have never experienced it… let me paint the picture.

Imagine waking up knowing that everyone else is in the kitchen with their loved one, bottles of champagne being opened, laughing with their family as they open presents from under the tree. Getting ready together and hugging people. But you wake up and there’s no one in your home and no plans to go to. You see everyone on Instagram with their family and getting dressed up. Everyone looks so happy and you’re trying to be happy for them but you just have this overwhelming sadness. You cannot cry though. Hold the tears back. Because if you start crying, you will cry for 3 days straight. You cannot watch any Christmas movies because they’ll make you cry too. Oh and then your friends text you “Merry Christmas!! Hope you have a lovely day” and you just want to scream. It’s like they have no awareness that I will have a TERRIBLE day no matter what I plan for myself. And you’ve been dreading this day from the moment the city’s lights went up. And the days after Christmas, you have this feeling of wasting what should be, a really fabulous day.

Your heart hurts SO much. You want the day to be over, but at the same time, you want the day to be long in the hope that someone will invite you to their plans.

It’s a horrible day. You just want your family. You want your loved ones. You want company. You want a big feast with people around the table.

And you cannot have it.

This is what it feels like. It’s like a prison cell. It doesn’t matter what the person’s situation is. If they are missing someone that has passed away, or because they had a falling out with their family. This feeling of ‘longing’ is painful as fuck.

So this Christmas. Be aware. Be aware of other people in your life. Make sure EVERYONE has plans and if they don’t, insist they come to yours.

Be kind. Be thoughtful. Be selfless.

Your heart will be full as a result of this.

P.S. I know this is a kind of depressing article, but it’s important.

Monica Yates is a trauma healer, feminine/masculine embodiment coach and period whisperer. Monica is also the podcast host of Feminine As F*ck, editor of UNEDITED magazine and an influencer. At the age of only 25, she has built a name for herself as an expert within this realm, as well as a million dollar company. Her mission is to help women clear trauma so they can step into their magnetic feminine energy, as well as help men feel ecstasy and intimacy in the bedroom.